I often consult with a client who "has been everywhere" and has not achieved the results they desire - that is, they are not getting better.

It may be to overcome a feeling of depression, anxiety, overcoming a problem in their life or to help alleviate pain. It may be an elite athlete who is not achieving.

I know the other practitioners they have worked with have done a good job so the question now becomes "Why haven't they received the desired result?"

After finding out what the other practitioners have done, I embark on a new way of helping them - after all, I don't want to cover the same ground.

At the beginning of the third session, the client will say something like "It's not working. I still feel emotionally down. I have trouble thinking positive. In fact, I have trouble finding anything positive happening in my life".

While it is easy to say they are not working hard enough to fix this or maybe they don't want to fix it, this is generally not the case.

Once I have determined they do want to get emotionally better, I then begin hunting for the reason why they are not.

As a general example, testing will reveal:
(i) They are a perfectionist
(ii) They have very high expectations of themselves
(iii) They have an "All or nothing" belief
(iv) They also think "good enough is never good enough".

A perfectionist has to have everything right and/or everyone liking them. They are generally "people pleasers".

People who have high expectations of themselves are generally perfectionists and place much pressure on themselves to perform. This applied pressure leads to them feeling stressed, which in turn increases the chances of them ‘failing'. This then creates more pressure, more stress, more failure ... and the cycle continues.

"All or nothing" means the person is either totally fixed or they're not. They are either winning or they're not. They're either totally pain free or they're not. There is no middle ground or grey area. It's black or it's white.

In fact, when things begin to go wrong or they feel what they are doing is not working, they will often sabotage themselves (beat themselves up - emotionally) and feel worse. They will then embark on another journey and if they get there - great. If they don't, they will sabotage and go back to square one.

As an example, "Mary" is feeling depressed and says nothing is helping her to feel better. When asked to gauge how she feels out of 10 (with 10 being very happy and 0 totally sad) Mary says she's 4.

When tested, Mary's results reveal being 9.9 out of 10 happy is not good enough. It has to be 10 out of 10.

If she starts to get better and has a set-back, she will tell herself it is not working, it will never work and emotionally beat herself up until she is back to 0.

Then, she will start the whole process again.

It is obvious why the other treatments are not getting a result.

Jane, are you an "all or nothing" person?

Are you either all there or you're not?

If you are, it may be time to change.

It's important to have a grey area, a process to achieving the desired result.

With three areas to life: future, present and past - which is the most important?

Now is all there is. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow is still to come.

The "All or nothing" person is living in the past (nothing works) and the future (want to be perfect). They are failing to live in the Now. Need to get the best out of Now to be able to go into the future consolidating every step of the way.

They also need to eliminate the need to be perfect. We'll cover this another day.

Good luck.