I often consult with people who say they ‘hate conflict'.

Conflict comes about when two or more people hold different views and one or more have to be right or get their own way.

The result is often heated arguments with someone saying things they may later regret.

Conflict is going to arise in your life, whether you like or not.

In my last newsletter (you can read it here), I wrote about why people argue and the possible outcomes. They include:

Win / Win
Win / Lose
Lose / Win
Lose / Lose

... with the best outcome being a Win/Win.

How To Achieve a Win/Win

1. Identify why the other person thinks the way they do and ask questions to discover why this is so.

Questions like "Why do you think this would this work better than that?" and "That's a good point. Can I ask what caused you to come to that conclusion?"

Here's some points to keep in mind:

(a) place a positive statement before the enquiry. "That's a good point. Can I ask ...", "I can partially see how that can work. Can you please explain to me ..." and "I can see the need for ..."

This helps validate that what the other person is saying. It helps get them on side.

(b) Ask questions with an enquiring tone. Most ask, especially if they are trying to win the argument, in a sarcastic or degrading tone.

For example, ask out loud "Why would that work?" in a degrading way, emphasizing the "why" and "that". What's it sound like?

Now ask in an enquiring way: "That's a good point. Can I please ask why you think that would work?"

The second one is more likely to gain a good response.

If you listen to the way people respond to your question, it often gives you feedback on the way you have asked it.

(c) You are attempting to get the other person to enter into conversation so the nicer you are, the more likely they are to reciprocate.

Attempting to convince them to change may not work (as they think they are right). To get them to see another perspective, ask questions like "Do you think ... (this) ... could work or is a possibility?" By asking the right questions, you get them to discover there could be another possibility.

When people come up with the answer (as against you telling them), they feel good.

2. Be willing to move on.

If you ask the question "Could something different work?" and they emphatically say "No", there is a good possibility they are stuck with what they think and are not prepared to look beyond that (stubborn). Accept this and:

(a) be prepared to move on by changing the topic of conversation. Trying to convince them they are wrong may only lead to more arguing.

(b) know that you have some valid points. If they fail to agree, it does not mean you are wrong. You have not lost the argument. Keep your self worth up by knowing you can help, you do have something to contribute.

(c) ask "If your way fails to work, would you be happy to look at my way?" Nearly everyone will say "Yes".

3. Brainstorm possible solutions

This is particularly so when you are looking for a solution that is best for your relationship, group or business.

What's right for the relationship, group or business is more important than what is right for you.

For example, in a relationship, if you want to be right all the time, your partner will have resentment to you. If you have to always be right, go live all by yourself because then you can do whatever you like, whenever you like, for as long as you like to whoever you like and no-one cares. You only have to consider yourself.

A great quote of Dr Phil's is "Do you want to be right OR do you want to be married?"

Once you bring another person on board, you now have to consider them. Failure to do so will often mean they won't be around for long.

To brainstorm, ask questions like "What are all the possibilities here?"

Write them down and pick one that best suits the relationship, group or business. Leave your ego out of it. It's the part that says you have to be right (selfish).

I'm amazed at how many businesses I consult with who do what's best for them personally rather than identify what is best for the business. After all, if the business succeeds, so does the individual. If the relationship succeeds, so does the individual.

If you would like to avoid conflict and still have a win/win, it's important to have the skills to negotiate this.

Give it a go.

Good luck.