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The Best Way to Stand Up For Yourself
- By Clive Murphy
- Published 3/11/2009
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Clive Murphy
Clive is the Principal of the Clive Murphy Self Empowerment Centre, a product, coaching and seminar business that empowers people to achieve their life potential.
He is the author of four books relating to confidence, self esteem, relationships, motivation to lose weight and controlling how you feel.
Many years ago, I conducted a course on "Overcoming Bullying" for Years 9 and 10 at a High School.
We received such good success that we were asked to put a submission to other schools. At the conclusion of our submission, one of the comments we received was "We already teach kids how to stand up for themselves."
"Excellent" I replied. "Can you please explain how you do that?"
"We tell the kids to stand up to the bully."
I know what the result would be there in most cases! ☺
I often hear people say "I need to learn how to stand up for myself".
"How would you like to do that?"
"I need to tell people what I think. If they're annoying me, I need to tell them to leave me alone. If they do something I don't like, I need to tell them I am not happy."
This is called "being assertive".
I'm not in total agreement with this. While there may be a place for it some occasions, there is a better way.
Imagine a student telling a bully what he can do with his or her harassment! This will only fuel the fire as the bully is looking for confrontation.
Telling off some person who has annoyed you will often lead to ill-will and confrontation.
So Why Do We Do This?
We tell someone off to get them to stop what they are doing and this in turn makes us feel good.
Which means we weren't feeling good before we told them off.
It's our way of gaining some form of control - which means we didn't have that control while they were annoying us.
So, if you don't have to be assertive with another person, who do you need to be assertive with?
You Need To Be Assertive With Yourself
If someone is annoying you or doing something you don't like and you are reacting, who is controlling how you feel?
They are. Their actions are causing you to feel angry or upset. Sure, you are allowing them to do this - and you do that because you are unable to control how you feel in that moment.
If someone is annoying you, ask the question "Who has the problem here?"
If the answer is "them", the next question is "Do I need to be a part of their problem?"
If your answer is "No", let it go.
It's important to control your thinking before trying to control the other person.
For example, in the case of the person being bullied, we gave them understanding on why the bully needs to show dominance. We also raised the level of self-esteem with the ‘victims' so that whatever the bully said or did had no impact on them.
Result: a teacher was observing a student being bullied. The student stayed calm, listened to the bully and then walked away. The teacher asked the student "How come you didn't react?"
The student replied "It's not my problem" and kept walking.
Beauutiful!
One of the best traits you can have is the ability to let others be themselves and you control how you think and what you do.
This way, there is no confrontation and no negative reaction as you are aware that what others say or do does not have to impact on you.
Spread The Word
6 Responses to "The Best Way to Stand Up For Yourself"
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said this on 05 Nov 2009 7:42:29 AM EST
Hi Clive, I like this article but have a question about the boy being able to walk away from the bully after staying calm and listening to him. What is the advice if the bully then decides to physically attack and does, what is the advice for the bullied child when or if that happens?
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said this on 05 Nov 2009 3:28:44 PM EST
Great question.
The aim is to avoid conflict - as this is what the bully is after. If the bully initiates the violence, the bullied child can: ~ fight back - I have consulted with children who have been pushed too far and were able to give the bully a flogging - this will either gains the bullied person respect or the bully will go after them as a gang to re-salvage control. ~ run ~ get help If the bullied child gets set upon, it's up to the school and the parents to take the appropriate action to protect this child. Most children who have been bullied think there is something wrong with them because they are being picked on. They see themselves as weak and not as good. What is important is for the bullied child to see they are still a great person even though they have been bullied. The problem is not theirs and it is important for them to sit down with someone and work out a solution that they are happy with. I ask "What would you be happy with? What would you like to see happen?" |
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said this on 05 Nov 2009 7:55:21 AM EST
...also if my problem is I don't like what someone is saying in a public arena and I decide I wish to act and write my view of the same topic in as positive a way as possible without attacking the other person, would you consider this acting or reacting. I react to what has been said and have learned to wait till the emotional reaction has passed and then act, sometimes I fail but am learning. My concern is the influence on people who see what has been written and to give them a different view. I would also be interested in your views on standing up for other people.
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said this on 05 Nov 2009 3:49:30 PM EST
If you don't agree with what someone has said in public, you can respond. I would keep it positive and be careful not to bag out the other person. When this happens it becomes tit for tat and the reader will pick up on the anger and the need to be right.
Sometimes a query often works well. "The writer has some interesting points ... I'm wondering whether they have thought about ... " This is responding rather than reacting. Most people get into trouble because they have a need to be right, a need to be seen a certain way and they defend themselves to the death. I love your statement ... wait till the emotional reaction has passed ... as you then have a clearer head. The influence on others - people will believe whatever they choose to believe. The ones you know and love will know what the truth is and they will soon put people right. I once consulted with a stepfather who was accused of molestation and the case went public. I said to him what I have just written. He knew the truth and the ones who loved him knew the truth - and the truth eventually came out. The number one person you have to live with is you. Therefore, it is critical for you to have peace of mind with you. If you're happy with the world, the world will see that and respond. You do not have to make the world happy - and in fact, you can't. By you being happy, the world stands a better chance of being happy. Standing up for others. I would ask them if they would like you to do so. If they say "Yes", you can always say "There is two sides to every story. Here is how I see things ..." If you are counteracting what another person says - and they have a need to be right - expect fireworks! My question is: Are you controlling the event or is the event controlling you? What do you have control over? |
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said this on 06 Nov 2009 6:33:31 AM EST
Great advice and I agree with you, the main aim is for the children to know there is nothing wrong with them and they are just as good as everyone else even the one's who think they are better and that they are strong and have options. Hopefully most schools do have better policies in place now, there was a time when children like this were told not to tattle: bullied then belittled by the help they sought. When parents are at a loss it would be great for them to have access to some sort of liaison person to guide them in helping their child. I am out of touch with the school system now so do not know what they have available.
****** I have found peace within myself after struggle and have a different way of looking and processing things now and yes the only thing I have control over is myself, "If you want to change the world, first change yourself", so true. Truth is always there, but people never let that get in the way of a good story...gossip is the worst kind of cowardly, emotional abuse I have ever witnessed and my intention is to keep a good hold on my own tongue when it comes to repeating hearsay. After all if you have to revert to talking in a derogatory way about other people, you really need to get a life. Gossip is really just another form of bullying. I've done my share in the past and slip up occasionaly, always with regret. Now gossip goes in one ear and straight to the recycle bin. It is a pity some people get confused with their belief in God and their belief that they are God and therefore have the right to deal out punishment to other people. The difference is God knows the truth and they don't. Don't get me wrong I am not religious but do have a belief in a higher power. There I will end my sermon for the day; that is a laugh at myself. One question if I want to stand up for someone and don't know them so can't ask, what then? The reason I would want to stand up or rather back up what someone has stated would solely be from their written word. |
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said this on 06 Nov 2009 10:37:53 AM EST
Thanks for your comments, Alison.
If you want to stand up for someone, feel free to do it. Identify the reason you want to stand up for them. I often ask: Is my response going to serve me and others in the right way? If the answer is "Yes", I do it. Be positive in what you write. You could say "He/ she has some great points that I feel need to be reinforced. Here's my side to it ..." |