This is a question you may often ask yourself.

I recently had a husband and wife consult with me to help overcome the major problems they were having in their marriage.

When asked what the problems were, one would make a statement and the other would interject with "That's not right. You did ..."

After 15 minutes of degrading and blaming each other, I butted in and suggested (a) we introduce some rules they both abide by, and (b) we start to move forward and discuss ways to fix the many problems they were experiencing.

My idea lasted for 30 seconds before they were at each other. Left to their way, they would have spent the whole session arguing about who was right. My next step - separate them.

To a lesser (and hopefully, not greater) extent, do you do something similar to this couple?

Do you constantly focus on and discuss the problem?

This can happen at work, in sport, in a relationship or in a family.

There are two parts to this: The problem and the solution.

Which one is the most important?

Clearly, the solution.

It is important to identify and define the problem and then focus on achieving the solution.

What happens if you continue to focus on the problem?

It gets bigger. The more you focus on it, the bigger it becomes.

The next time you are having a disagreement with someone, ask yourself: Am I focusing on the problem or the solution?

Which one are you focusing on when:

• you argue?

• you feel depressed?

• you feel sad or upset?

• things are not working out or you fail to get your own way?

• you stew (dwell) on things?

• you worry?

• you feel frustrated or angry?

• you focus on what you don't have; what you are missing?

• you focus on how poor you are - in time and money?

Producing any of these states indicates you are focusing on the problem. For example, a depressed person is simply depressed because they continue to focus on the problem and what is going wrong. The more they focus on it, the worse they feel.

If you worry about things, you are focusing on what can go wrong. Abraham sums it up beautifully: "Worrying is using your imagination to create something you don't want." If you are time or money poor, you are focusing on what you don't have instead of what you do have and how you can create more of what you have.

Focus On The Solution

Identify the solution. Identify how you would ideally like to feel.

Brainstorm possible solutions with a trusted family member or friend.

If you are unable to find a solution, seel professional help.

Once you identify the solution, the next step is critical.

Create an action that is going to deliver the result. Do something to fix the problem. Do anything to see if it works. At least you are working on a possible solution.

Action Plan

The next time you are in one of the above states, ask yourself "Am I focusing on the problem or the solution?"

Get your focus onto the possible solutions.

Good luck!